Saturday, July 6, 2013

it's about time

I need to do this.  I've needed to for a long time. {Thank God this blog was here, neglected, never really used. Waiting for me to pour out my heart.} I've avoided it. I feel trapped. I need somewhere to go when I need to talk something out. I need to know that I can say it out loud {type it} and that will help. I need to be a better version of myself. I'm tired of who I've become. Maybe if I put it out there, just so that I can come back here and see it, maybe I'll do something about it.

I'm not the kind of mom I always wanted to be. I don't spend enough intentional time with my son. I'm selfish. I don't engage him in activities and crafts and adventures. He's almost too old to even want to do that kind of stuff with me anymore. I hope it's not too late. I pray he hasn't lost faith in me. I want to hike with him. I want to swim with him. I want to take evening bike rides with him. I know he wants to do those things with me, at least he used to. I can't even remember if he asks me anymore.

I want him to see who I am, to see my love for life, and imitate it. How can he do that when he sees me be lazy? How can he see that I love life when I don't act like I love life? All he sees is a mom who does the bare minimum that is required of her, and bends over backwards for those around her, and puts her family last. Last. Last. We are always last. We rarely have planned out together time. And I don't even mean as a family.  I mean as us. me and him. and I know that all too soon, he won't even care. He'll want to go over to a friends house, he'll want to play video games for hours on end, he'll want to shut me out. It'll come. and what am I doing with the time we have now? Nothing. not one thing. It has to change. If it stays this way, I'm going to lose him. I can't let that happen. I can't.

I'm not the woman I always wanted to be. Yes, I love God, I love seeing His presence in my daily life. But I don't spend time with Him. Not intentional time. I just don't. I know I should. I know I need to. It's been something that has been pounded into my brain for years, but it's something I never made a habit out of. Yes, a little bit here, and a little bit there, but it never lasted. And I know that so many of my problems stem from that. So much of my life feels like it is whirring out of control because I am not intentional about this. I let my life happen to me, and I don't seek His face, I don't ask for His direction. I don't. I do every once in a while. I put on a good face. I know what to say, I know how to act. I even really believe it. I just don't put it into action most of the time. I don't know why I can't seem to convince myself that it's something I need to do. Not even that. It's not something I need to do. It's someone I need to be. It's too overwhelming. I feel like I can't be that person, so I don't try.

I'm not the wife I always wanted to be. This one, for me, hurts the most right now. I yell, I scream. I blame. I don't fight fair. I patronize. I belittle. I don't speak his love language the way I know he needs me to. Sometimes I try, sometimes things are good. Sometimes I feel like I'm rounding the corner, and I can see that goal up ahead of me: that amazing woman who loves her husband, would do anything for him, would spend her whole life making his better. I try. She eludes me. Just when I think I'm doing all the right things, she vanishes, and I'm right back to that wife that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The selfish, demanding, self absorbed, weakling, who can't get it right, who wants nothing more than a beaming successful marriage, but it's a hollow dream. There are glimpses of it. And yes, we love each other. I love him more than anyone else in this entire planet. And I want to be the most amazing, perfect picture of a wife that he could have ever dreamed of. But I'm not. And I'm pretty sure I never will be.

We don't spend time together. Yes, we sleep in the same bed {most of the time} schedule permitting, yes, we call each other every day, yes we text, yes we even spend some actual hands-on-the-clock-moving time together. But do you know what I mean when I say we don't spend TIME together? it's the same as the last two. we don't spend INTENTIONAL time together. I can't remember the last time we planned a date. Like, hired a babysitter, made plans, stuck to them, and truly enjoyed a date night. I asked him today. He can't remember either. I don't think we need to have a weekly "date night". Well, the honest truth is, I wish we could. And me saying I don't think we need it is just me trying to cover up for the fact that we won't. EVER. We just can't. There aren't enough hours in the day, or days in the week. Any time we have together is a blessing, and we try to use it to grow closer together. But there isn't enough of it. There just isn't.

In a month we will have been married 14 years. FOURTEEN. and together for 18! And sometimes I feel like our relationship is on cruise control. Now, cruise control is useful. It's totally handy. But it's not ideal most of the time. Most of the time, we should be intentional, We should try to grow our relationship. But we don't.  I don't even know if we know how to do this. I feel flat. I feel like something should be happening. I love him. I want to be with him. We know each other better than we know any other human being in existence. Shouldn't we be moving forward? Shouldn't we be craving that next level of intimacy? And if we are, which sometimes I feel like we do, why does it always come back to this? Why do I feel unloved? I know he loves me. But my heart hurts a lot. why?

So here I am.  I want to change. I've wanted to change before. But I don't. Am I just that lazy? I see the person I want to be, but I never get there. It's just all too much. Overwhelming. Unattainable. Out of reach. So I don't do anything. I quit before I even start. I want to say, "well, not anymore!!" but I'm sure it'll defeat me again today. As it is, today's not really any different than any other day. I want to be able to come back here in a year and say, wow, I can't believe things were that bad, and thank you God for pulling me out of the pit. I so desire for that to be the case. So maybe that's what this is all about. a marker. a place to vent, to know that today, I don't like who I am. Maybe a year from now, I'll be a different person. Maybe I'll figure out how to change. Maybe I'll figure out how to live my life intentionally.

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